The Reason
by flawlesspeasant
Summary: Later on in the day, Jo reveals to Alex exactly why she was so upset losing her patient earlier. ONESHOT.


**A/N:** As I've stated before, I'm not good with oneshots. So I hope you guys like this one. It's the first oneshot I've EVER written and i would like to get better at oneshots. But this is just a prompt I received on tumblr and I hope you guys like it.

If you want to request a prompt, leave them in my tumblr ask :)

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The sky is dark tonight with little bright specks of white stars scattered about throughout the blackness. Even though it's the middle of winter, it's a beautiful night in Seattle, if I do say so myself. Sometimes when it's raining like it always is in Seattle, I find myself missing the weather back in Massachusetts. Not the harsh snowy winters but the variation, is what I mean. I've been out of Massachusetts for three years and I still catch myself expecting snow to be in the ground when I leave the house in the morning. Back in Massachusetts, every day was different in terms of weather. Some days it'd be hot and sunny, others it would rain. My favorite days were the cool spring days and the rainy nights. I hated the snow on the winter and that's one thing about Seattle I love—very limited snow. Anyway, it's not very often that I miss Massachusetts weather but sometimes, I just do. Tonight's one of the nights that I _don't _miss the weather in Massachusetts. It's a beautiful winter night in Seattle. It's not too hot and it's not very cold either; it's perfect...for me, at least. These days, it's not easy for me to find a happy medium with things like temperature so the fact that I'm not a sweaty mess or shivering like a dog is actually a miracle.

I cross my right arm over my body and lift up the sleeve of my white coat to expose my watch. I glance at the time quickly and see that my hour mark has passed. I made an internal promise that I'd allow myself an hour to calm down before I went back inside. My hour's up and even though I don't feel like I'm settled enough to go back in there, I uncross my legs and step down off the cardboard box I was sitting on. A few months ago, me and Steph swore that we were going to buy lawn chairs to put out here so our butts wouldn't hurt sitting on the ground and on cardboard boxes anymore. I guess there's not much of a reason to bring chairs out here anymore because being that there's only three of us third-year residents left, it's very rare that we get a free moment to chill out back here like we used to back when there was six of us. It's crazy how much things can change in three years. Heather's dead, Shane went to Switzerland with Dr. Yang and heaven knows where Leah ended up after she got fired. Me, Steph and Ben are the only three left and things constantly change every day with the three of us. Steph's found her niche in Neuro with the she-Shepherd, it seems like Ben really likes Plastics and me? I don't know about me. I feel like I'm falling terribly behind everyone else because I still haven't found a specialty that I really excel at just yet. But, in light of recent events, I'd better start liking the idea of Pediatrics...

Sighing, I adjust my scrubs and pull open the back entrance and suddenly, I'm taken from the fresh outdoor air and thrust into the smell of latex, medicines, blood and the overwhelming smell of death. I _really _don't know what came over me an hour ago and even more so than that, I _really _don't want to talk about it either. I might lose my cool if I have to listen to a bunch of people asking me if I'm okay. I'm fine. I took a deep breath, I took a moment to cool off, I am alright now. I mean, aside from the certain thing nagging in the back of my head that I'm going to have to deal with sooner or later, I'm fine. I've been reasoning with myself that I'm too busy to deal with it right now. Once I get a free moment in my schedule, I'll deal with it. I'll deal with it, I'll get it checked out and I'll get it taken care of once I'm not so busy anymore. Alex is busy too, being the head of Peds and all. He's also been too busy with Dr. Grey to even notice the fact that I'm in the bathroom at the same exact time every morning. The both of us are just entirely too busy to deal with this at the moment. So as I'm walking through this long hallway and it creeps back into my prominent thoughts, I push it to the backburner of my mind like I've been doing for the last three weeks. I admit that I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to push it to the backburner but I'm going to do it for as long as I possibly can. It's been getting harder to avoid it though, recently. It's starting to make me cry for no reason, it's starting to make me sick in the mornings and not to mention, it's making my boobs ache. It's not unbearable yet though.

I put my hands in the pockets of my white coat and softly walk through the sea of incubators. The sweet little coos and whimpers coming from the incubators makes me a little bit nauseous, but not for the reasons I've been nauseous in the mornings. The coos and whimpers make me nauseous because I also get nauseous when I'm nervous and yes, I'm beyond nervous to deal with all of this. Don't get me wrong; they're all very sweet and so adorable, but they still make me nervous. I sneak quick glances at all the pink and blue blankets as I walk towards Alex and I can't help but smile. It's so soft and innocent in here, as compared to the harshness and the death out there on the regular adult floors. These days, I try to avoid the NICU at all costs. It scares me anymore, just seeing how many sick little babies are in here. I stop walking and swallow a lump in my throat as I realize that since I've been avoiding my situation for the last three weeks, I'm probably messing up big time. I haven't been to see a doctor yet and I haven't gotten those big horse-pills they're going to make me swallow. It's on my list of things to do though, I swear it is. I'll get to it eventually. I take a deep breath, pull myself together like I've been doing all day and keep walking over to the incubator that he's standing at.

I used to think that if I ignored it, it'd go away. Kind of like whenever you have to pee really bad. Sometimes if you ignore it, it'll go away and you won't have to pee anymore. I thought that if I ignored it and the three positive tests that came with it, it'd go away. Like somehow, miraculously, the thing would just drop off the face of the earth and not inhabit my body anymore. Stupid thinking, right? I know. I rest my arms against the bars of the plastic cradle and lean against it. "Hey, where've you been?" He greets me as he takes his stethoscope out of his ears and wraps it around his neck. I look down at the little guy he was just checking up on. He's so sweet, with his pink skin-tone and his chubby little cheeks. I crack a soft smile but lose it as I look back up at Alex and remember that the last time I saw him, I was crying my eyes out like a little baby because this little guy's mommy died.

"I just..." I start talking and sigh, mid-sentence. "I needed some air." I close my eyes and shake my head softly just to express my discontent with this entire situation.

"You okay?" He asks me, glancing back down at the baby to adjust the blue stocking cap on his tiny little head. My eyes follow his down to the baby and even though I was just smiling at how precious he is a second ago, I can't smile again. I like to think that the whole crying scene I had earlier this afternoon didn't have anything to do with the fact that I'm hormonal right now, but it probably does. Honestly, I probably would've cried anyway. This sweet little boy just got dealt the crappiest hand and he hasn't even lived for a full day yet. I feel for this sweet little baby that'll grow up without a mommy—like I did. Like I said, I would've probably cried anyway because when the mom flat-lined on the table in front of me, I was just thinking about the poor little baby inside of her growing up like I did, without a mom. But of course, the fact that I'm hormonal right now just made it 10xs easier for me to cry like that.

"He's only been alive for two hours and he already lost his mom." I blurt out to Alex as I'm staring down at the baby boy. At least I was two weeks old when I lost mine. Granted, two weeks wasn't a good time to be losing a mother either but two weeks is better than two hours, I think. At least I met my mother. At least my mother—despite the fact that she didn't love me enough to keep me—held me. "His dad barely survived his surgery...he doesn't even have a name."

"I'm calling him 'Dan'." Alex slips his pinky finger into the baby's tiny little hand and moves it up and down, like he's shaking his hand. I love that about him. The fact that he's good with kids is great but I really love how he views every baby as a person and not just a mindless little baby. Alex is known for giving his unnamed babies names of his own. I think that's incredibly sweet. I watch him as he shakes baby Dan's hand some more.

"How are we supposed to do this?" I look away from the baby and straight up at him, hoping he catches my drift and looks at me too. He looks at me with a confused, disgruntled look on his face and in the back of my mind, I'm kicking myself in the ass for accidentally throwing the "we" in there. I don't think he took it in the way that I meant it though, which is good. I don't think he even thinks that I meant "we" as in him and me, which is good. I did mean it like that though. When I said "we", I meant him and me. But I don't want him to know yet. I'm not ready to tell him about this situation just yet. The both of us are still too busy to worry about this. I swallow another lump in my throat and just shake my head. "The dead mothers, the motherless babies..." I begin to clarify and my eyes start to swell up with unshed tears. Just when I thought I was over the fact that the mother died, here I go about to cry again. Damn hormones. Alex is looking at me, confused and unsympathetic. "It's just too freaking hard and sad and messed up..." I keep on shaking my head. He's going to say something to make this okay though, I know he is. I know Alex and he always makes things okay, even on my worst days.

"'It sucks, but it's the job..." He shrugs his shoulders and doesn't even bat an eye.

I wrinkle my eyebrows at him and my jaw drops. I don't know if it's the hormones or the fact that he really just irritated me by saying that, but I'm so incredibly pissed off. "Really?!" I glare at him, shaking my head again but this time, it's shaking because I'm in shock that he just brushed off what I was saying to him with something completely insensitive. "Really?!" He looks at me with that stupid look on his face and I suck my teeth at him. I turn around, put my hands back in my pockets and walk away in the direction that I came from. Sometimes he's such a jerk. I don't know what I was expecting him to say but it wasn't that. I was expecting him to tell me that it's okay and maybe give me some kind of hug or acknowledgment of my feelings. How am I supposed to bring a baby into this world with him, knowing that he just shrugs off things like dead mothers? I don't know. What I do know is that I want today to be over. I'm ready for this horrible day to just come to an end.

"Jo, wait up." I hear is clunky footsteps behind me and even though I'm pissed off at him right now, I stop walking and I turn around to face him. "There's been a lot of dead mothers before...why now?" He asks, still having that stupid look on his face. He doesn't even look like he's going to apologize or see things from my point of view. I narrow my eyes at him and tilt my head, trying to figure out if he's serious or if he's just being an idiot. "Why this one? Why is this one hitting you so hard? You're a third-year resident...you should be used to death by now. Why is this one hitting you so hard, as opposed to all the other times? You know how much this job can suck by now."

"...Because I feel for that baby, Alex. It sucks growing up without a mom. And you weren't there...you didn't see it. She was FINE. She was up, talking on the phone and telling her husband how much she loved him. She had a seizure...and that was it. She died...and now that baby boy isn't going to know his mommy... his MOMMY, Alex... doesn't that hurt you just a little?" I'm amazed that he can be this blind and senseless.

"I'm just used to it by now, I guess..." He mumbles.

I suck my teeth at him again and my eyes widen. "Are you serious?" Okay, I know he really has been busy helping Meredith with all her twisted little issues but a small part of me really did think that maybe he caught the drift. I've been so emotional lately, I've been throwing up. I actually do drop subtle hints here and there. Like yesterday morning, for example. I actually left the door open while I was throwing up. I came out and he asked me if I was okay and I told him I was fine, but I'd been throwing up around that time for the last week. You know what he did? He gave me a Pepto-Bismol tablet and kissed my forehead. Or maybe he's just like I initially was. The initial shock took a while to wear off. I've actually known about this for the last month. I missed my period last month and I just shrugged it off because...well, because I didn't want to be pregnant so I just made up the excuse that I missed it because I'm stressed out to satisfy my mind. After all, me and Alex use condoms every time we have sex. I'm not on birth control pills but we're safe. We always use condoms, always. But about three months ago, it broke. He used an old one because it was really spur of the moment. It was after he lost the board seat and he was really upset so we just had sex in an on call room. He had an old condom in his wallet that we used and it broke, I guess. But he pulled out so we thought we were okay and well, we're not. So maybe he's just shocked. I refuse to believe that he's this stupid.

"Yeah, I'm serious. I'm used to it by now and I thought you would be too but I guess not." He reaches out to put his hand on my shoulder but I shrug him away. "Are you okay?" He asks me again but this time, he makes a conscious effort to actually sound like he cares. I roll my eyes at him. "Oh, come on Jo. What is with you lately? You've been acting really weird."

"The mother and the baby really hit home, that's all." I shrug my shoulders and look away from him. "I'm gonna be a mom pretty soon, so..." I whisper that last part but I know he heard me because he was holding onto his pager and he just dropped it.

"...No way." He whispers right back to me. I'm too scared to look him in his face. He's probably going to be mad at me for not telling him and for some reason, I can't take it when Alex is mad at me. "No frickin' way." The tone of his voice heightens, which actually makes me look up. "I... I thought so...I didn't want to say anything, but..." He grabs my waist and pulls me closer to him. "That's what you're so worried about?" I roll my eyes out of embarrassment and just as I stop, he kisses my lips. "You're serious? I'm gonna be a dad?"

"...In like seven months." I nod my head and I kind of feel...lighter, in a way. I guess maybe I have something to be happy about, instead of worrying. Yeah, I have something to be happy about.


End file.
